All-powerful Java code snippet

As a joke (but not really), I was terribly annoyed at Java today, and wrote this Java code in a few minutes.  It’s (not surprisingly) capable of accomplishing *anything*.  Give it a shot.

ProjectAttempt project = new Project();
try {
    attempt = project.codeWith(Java);
    if(   attempt.results == tooRigid
            ||
          attempt.developmentTime > acceptableThreshold) {
        // since the above condition is usually true,
        // we should expect this next line to happen frequently
        throw ExceptionallyNotGoodEnoughException;
    }
} catch (ExceptionallyNotGoodEnoughException e) {
    System.out.println(" ERROR: Java is too rigid!");
    System.out.println("Rigid:");
    System.out.println("1 a: deficient in or devoid of " +
        "flexibility <rigid price controls> <a rigid bar of metal> ");
    System.out.println(" b: appearing stiff and unyielding <his face rigid with pain>");
    // Don't bother with another try/catch block,
    // since it's impossible for the next line to fail.
    attempt = project.codeWith(Python);
    // Should always read "Impressive"
    System.out.println("Development time: " + attempt.developmentTime);
}

Smart-alec replies are welcome, but you won’t change my opinion on the matter